I'll be happier once I leave high school... College is a necessary drudge. I'll do better next semester... Next time will be different.
I've followed other people's expectations for most of my life. I was a quiet child, hoping that my good behavior would earn me brownie points. I did well in grade school, and have always had "intelligence" as one of my top three traits until recently. All of the movies I had seen and all of the things I've heard taught me that college was the next hoop I was supposed to jump through, except none of my collected data hinted that college would be so hard. I wasn't ready, but definitely couldn't teeter on the fence of my parents' disappointment much longer. I hadn't done anything, but maybe that was the point. College did what college does: it got me out of my shell, it provided a somewhat safe space for self-discovery. But it didn't prepare me for life after college, just as my advanced high school course work did not prepare me for college.
I didn't realize that after college, you have to work work work until you die die die. Money has never been much of a priority to me, and I don't think it ever will be. I'm a natural worrier, so I've never wanted to think about it. I knew that you had to work for money to pay your bills and things, but I never fully understood that you have to work for money, and that money pays your bills.
Pop culture has generally guided me in the right direction because I take anything I ingest with a grain of salt. There's a hefty mountain of books and movies that cover high school years, the summer before college, and college. The moral of these stories are usually "be yourself" and "don't turn your back on your friends." The first movies that come to mind are The Breakfast Club, Easy A, and Superbad. College movies are sloshing with alcohol and bad decisions. Skipping the 30-year-old Friends, Sex in the City, and various stoners still living in their parents' basement, the next age group shown in pop culture is the downtrodden, lonely 40-year-old with a piece of burnt toast, no butter. They're stuck. I don't want to be stuck at 40. I don't want to be stuck now. Pop culture, tell me what to do. My age group is hardly represented in a positive light (i.e. Lena Dunham's tv drama, Girls), and I have no idea why/what/how to make life work after college.
The obvious answer (that I don't want to admit is right) is that I need to stay focused on the here and now, and to take my time enjoying each step. But honey, I'm only existing right now. I'm trying to get the hang of balancing my job and a social life. It's much harder than it sounds. I have to sort through the muck of over-analytical thoughts, social anxieties, and general distrust/disgust of humans. I just want pop culture to tell me what I'm supposed to do. I flailing around like a fish out of bacteria-infested water. Either choice sucks and ultimately kills me.
